Kinky vs. Curly: Twistouts and Self-Hate

Does this twistout equal self hate? Or am i reaching?

 

I have a mixture of  4A-4C hair, its definitely not all the same texture. Anyone who can relate knows how much of a pain that is when your hair behaves differently based on where it is on your head. The crown of my hair is loose curly hair, the back and sides of my head are more tight and kinky curls, and the front of my head has given up on life as it doesn’t even curl up, it’s a big kinky puff. To get the curls looking uniformed, I carefully do twistouts and braidouts to get every section looking the same. But do I style my hair this way to make my hair look uniformed or look curly?

 

I seriously attempted a wash and go (not pictured) months ago and I hated it. Not only because I did it wrong (the products I used weren’t heavy enough to weigh down my hair), but I hated how it physically looked. I’m nearly over the shrinkage struggle, (health over length, get into it!) but I hated how kinky and shrunken up my hair looked after putting in product and working on it! I had an honest moment with myself wondering “why am I reconsidering washing out ALL the products I used to try this?”, just because it made my hair kinky…otherwise known as my natural state. This realization made me feel like a hypocrite.

 

 

Part of being natural and being a part of the natural hair movement is not conforming to main stream beauty standards and working with the hair you have, unaltered , exactly how it grows out of your head.

Keeping it healthy and moisturized, loving it and showing it off. I have been doing this, as frustrating as that journey is, but have I been cheating? Doing my hair to make it seem “curly” is not my inherent intention…but is it? This is in no way saying curly hair is not “natural”, that’s a different conversation. But my hair is NOT curly everywhere, it is mostly kinky/tighter curls. Yet, I do a whole routine to get my hair to look curly like the middle of my head. I am not sure what to make of that. Maybe I’m late to the party and everyone had already had this moment but I felt this realization so deeply.  Do I hate my hair? Am I that brainwashed by society and culture into thinking kinky hair is not okay? Did I just fall into a habit that I can now choose to break? Am I thinking too deep into it? Am I playing myself and does my hair look kinky anyway?

I have no clue. But what I do know is I didn’t like feeling like I was ashamed of my hair. It was the same feeling I get when I realize girls with 4C hair get pushed to the back, and don’t have as many YouTubers and influencers who cater to that demographic. I want to make more of an effort to wear my hair is its real natural state and be comfortable with that. I plan on trying another wash and go very soon. I also plan on styling my hair less. Meaning once I style it for the week, I will continue to  wear it out even if its not defined at all, and I won’t hide it in a bun.

Yeah yeah we can all say we love being natural for the versatility , the different textures, how we can shape and size out fros, but when you come to the last step of wash day, before you put in any products … take an extra moment to appreciate your hair in your most natural raw state. Could you walk out the house with your hair looking just like this?

 

Im not there yet , but I’m working on it. What do you think, am i reaching? Or do i have a point?